Dad….?

So, I skyped my dad today. Honestly, it wasn’t all that great. I feel like my own dad is judging me, though it could just be me. 

He think the fact that I have social anxiety is stupid. That I shouldn’t have to go to therapy for it. That I should be able to do it on my own. He thinks that I’m just shy but thats okay. He doesn’t understand that I want help. I want to be better, and its not just something I can do on my own. He thinks it probably going to do nothing really for me. Well, he’s wrong. It can help. 

I feel like whenever I Skype my dad its just awkward. We I talk to him over Skype at his girlfriends house everything is fine. They Skype all the time, too. When me and him barely talk. When they talk they have fun and talk about all these things and he pays all his attention when he’s skyping with her but when he’s skyping with me he gets distracted. He doesn’t hear what I have to say. He starts doing other things when all I want to do is talk to him. I try to strike up a conversation but he only answers with one worded responses. Thanks dad.

I sometimes just feel like my dad thinks low of me or something. I don’t know. He would rather spend his time talking to his girlfriend than his daughter. Which I’m fine with, but he doesn’t really even make an effort much to talk to me. I just feel like he judges me.

I love him and all, but he doesn’t understand me one bit. Maybe he would if he would be home more. He has been working out of state for so long. He doesn’t even realize how much he has missed of my life.

Motivation.

I seem to have parties a lot. Self pity parties all by myself. I look in the mirror and think… Wow, I could look so much better. If only I could have motivation. I really just don’t have motivation. I used to. I used to run, play soccer, and field hockey. I used to eat healthy and such until my parents divorced. I ended up living with my mom, and she’s not very motivated herself. When I lived with my dad, I was so motivated to do so much because he did a lot to take care of himself. To work out and eat right. My mom on the other hand.. Isn’t. She’s a wonderful and beautiful person but she doesn’t motivate herself which doesn’t motivate me.

How do I motivate myself? I mean.. I hate the way I look. I’m not that horrible really. I’m not that big but I just make myself feel that way. I need to make myself feel better about myself, but I don’t do anything about it. 

That’s not going to work..

Can I be a kid again?

So, I went to therapy yesterday and I just went over the basics on Social Anxiety really. And what to do to get over it. She thinks I might have to take pills to get over it, which I don’t want and do want. 

I just want to be social and not care what people think. God, I remember when I was a little kid and how I wanted to grow up. Now that I’m growing up, I just want to be a little kid again. When everything was easy. You didn’t really need to worry about grades, and you just got to have fun. Nobody judged you. Life was just so easy.

 

Victoria Secret.

And this is the reason I’m so fucking insecure with myself.

Can I look like this or is this too much to ask for?

 

Sex.

Okay so, I’m not going to hide the fact that I am a horny teenager. Why do I need to? This is a blog where nobody knows who I am.

I’ve been wondering a lot lately what it’s like. Honestly, it’s nice to say I’m still a virgin but I do want to get it over with already… But, at the same time I want to save it for someone special. My dad lost his at 16, and my mom lost hers at 17. Well, at the rate I’m going I’m probably not going to lose mine anytime soon.

I just wonder what it’s like. Why people risk getting pregnant or catching diseases for this. I wonder what it feels like. I wonder where I am going to lose it. When I am going to lose it. Who I am going to lose it to. And if I will love them or not. It’s probably a common thing for a virgin teenage girl with raging hormones to think about this, but I really do wonder. All the time. 

But at the end of the day I think I would want it to be with someone I truly am comfortable with. I probably would wait 3 months into a relationship. I want it to be special, and not just a thing to get over with. Being with someone I love. Not with someone I like. Be with someone who loves me. Not with someone who just wants to get in my pants. 

First, I need to fall for someone and have them fall for me. 

Ha. Wish me luck.

Therapy.

Tomorrow I have another therapy appointment. Well, my second therapy appointment. I’m really hoping that my therapist can help me through my problems. I’m hopeful this will work because I’m so sick of hiding under a rock. So sick of hiding myself from the rest of the world. I really do want to start living and stop being afraid. 

She told me that I can get over my social anxiety, but it does take work. Sadly you can’t just get a magic wand and swoosh your problems away with a simple spell. But, I’m willing to do the work if it means not being so scared. As much as I didn’t want to go to therapy a week ago, I really want to go now. I want to give this shot. 

There’s a light at the end of every tunnel. But first, I need to walk into the tunnel.